Sex is Not the Only Form of Intimacy
Eight other ways of being intimate that are just as important
I’ll be truthful here and say that once I turned 40, I lost much interest in sex and gained more interest in Reese’s ice cream.
I couldn’t understand my problem. Do I need Viagra? Is something wrong with me? I asked these questions often to a mentor of mine, and he continually pointed out that there are a lot more ways of being intimate with my spouse besides having sex.
This explanation seemed somehow like a copout. I needed him to echo my internal dialogue about this matter: “Your inability to want or have sex with your spouse has to do with underlying discomfort with your aging body. You’re still stuck in Freud’s latency phase of development. You’re no longer attractive, and your fear of abandonment is stronger than your desire to surrender.”
No. Instead, he said I just needed to become even more conscious of and devoted to other forms of intimacy and that these practices will often lead to spontaneous acts of other intimacies, such as . . . well, sex.
So, let’s get intimate with other intimacies.
Here’s 8:
Emotional Intimacy
Burgeoning walls of repressed emotions can be fortified more and more as you get older. Any of us can return to repressing emotions as we age. It’s that fear of your old friend, Shame. “If I become too sad, he or she will push me away.” Unless your actions have caused others not to trust you, including your partner, you should be able to express your feelings and expect emotional support. It’s these very vulnerabilities that make you even more attractive. If not, it’s your partner’s problem, not yours.
Intellectual Intimacy
Another thing we tend to stop doing, and even dehumanize, is engaging in discussion and debate of newfound knowledge. Again, if you see that this bothers your partner, it’s not you; they can’t connect with the exchange of ideas or beliefs anymore.
I’ve seen or heard of many couples who have stopped sharing ideas with their partners. “Marriage” then becomes a perennial act of eye-rolling.
Lack of energy or interest in engaging intellectually with your partner breeds contempt. Be on the lookout.
Spiritual Intimacy
Sharing and exploring spiritual or religious beliefs, practices, and experiences together doesn’t happen in many of our societies. It’s as if we want to stomp on belief in a world in which nothing is to be trusted, and that belief in anything or anyone is merely a child’s game. Practicing spirituality is even more condemned in societies nowadays. We then communicate to our partner that he or she is naïve or embarrassing.
Physical (non-sexual) Intimacy
This includes non-sexual touch like hugging, holding hands, cuddling, or giving massages. It’s about comfort and closeness without sexual intent. I think we stop these things because we know non-sexual intimacy may sometimes lead, paradoxically, to physical sex.
Experiential Intimacy
This type of intimacy includes bonding through shared experiences and activities, like traveling together, trying new things, or overcoming challenges as a team. The opposite effect of this is boredom and passivity. How lame is it in a partnership to stop sharing experiences, especially novel ones? Some partners go so far as to hardly leave the house or to experience most things separately. They even stop telling their partners about personal experiences, as if a stranger sitting next to them on a plane begins talking to them when all they want is rest. It’s a complete lack of curiosity.
Creative Intimacy
My partner and I are strong with sharing our artistic expressions, collaborating on creative projects, and appreciating art and culture together. I’m a highly creative person. I just published a book of my best photos and dialogue about photographic ideas. If my partner stopped being interested in these things, I’d feel crappy, as if my work wasn’t appreciated by the one person from whom I wanted to get opinions and comments.
Creativity, in fact, can take many forms, including problem-solving. My partner is very good at this. To deny this, take it for granted, or ignore these innovations is, well, just plain ungracious and even cruel. Not being creative together is self-centered.
So, douse yourself and your partner with paint, stand on a sheet of huge white paper, and wrestle (yes, I’ve done this with partners in the past). When you’re done, you can often see that your intimacy in this realm created a great piece of art.
Crisis Intimacy
Support alone during difficult times, illness, or personal struggles should be mandatory. If you’re not there for your partner, why are you there at all? Nothing much more needs to be said about this type of intimacy.
Commitment Intimacy
Like crisis intimacy, building trust and security through loyalty, reliability, and shared long-term goals should be required in any partnership. This type of intimacy is the last and most important in ensuring that all of the other intimacies described above are tended to and nurtured effectively.
If you can’t commit to your partner, stay loyal, be reliable, or share goals, getting a personal therapist who can intervene may be best. (Needing a couple’s therapist is beyond the scope of this story.)
This is a serious recommendation. Part of the problem, as seen from the bigger picture, is that you may be becoming mentally and emotionally unstable. This may or may not be part of your partner’s fault. But at least you’re cleaning your side of the street and offering as much as possible to the growth of intimacy and love. If this doesn’t work, maybe the partnership is just plain wrong. Perhaps you’d make it better as friends. This happens to many people who get divorced. Paradoxically, sex often occurs more frequently in divorced couples who stay connected. A whole book can be written about why. But back to the point: It’s the other types of intimacy that are just as important, and you don’t have to divorce to have sex again.
Well, hopefully, this story has helped you toward a touchdown. Dr. Ruth. Do you remember her, the renowned sex therapist? She died two months ago at the age of 96. I don’t know anything she taught (it was before my time), but friends tell me she discussed all types of intimacy as necessary for healthy sexuality.
To cap it off, Roger Milne says in a recent edition of Psychology Today that “Couples who actively nurture various forms of intimacy — emotional, intellectual, physical, and experiential — report higher relationship satisfaction and longevity. Regular communication, shared activities, and intentional efforts to understand and meet each other’s needs across these domains are key to sustaining a multi-faceted intimate connection” (June 2024).
Please feel free to share your thoughts or feedback.